Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
