I think I won the penis lottery.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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