Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
