What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
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