remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I need moral support for this bender
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
