Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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