so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
