Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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