There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
