I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Randomize
