I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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