From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
