Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
