So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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