you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
