I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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