Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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