Swine flu. Run for my life!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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