I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
