it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
