I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You need Xanax blowdarts
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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