I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize