You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
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