Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
