so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
