I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
