you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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