All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
