if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
