I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
