was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize