i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
