Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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