The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
