So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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