I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
not ubering you a puppy
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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