Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Randomize
