Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
