His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
