wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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