I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Also, beer. Big fan.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
