Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
