When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
