I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
