the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize