he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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