my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Randomize