well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
