I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
