Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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