worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
