3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
