Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
