I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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