Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
