Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
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